What Sirius Doesn't Know
by VintageOppression
Summary: After Remus and Sirius move to London, Sirius has some struggles assimilating to muggle life. Remus/Sirius. Slash.


What Sirius Doesn't Know

Summery: After Remus and Sirius move to London, Sirius has some struggles assimilating to muggle life.

Rating: M - Swearing and Smut

Authors Note: I think I've posted this story before on a strictly R/S website, so if it seems familiar, I did not in fact, steal it. That said, I hope you enjoy the story!  


* * *

It was common knowledge that Sirius Black was utterly inept at muggle culture. Of course, he would pretend to know what a TV was and how it worked and would go on about how wicked David Bowie was but the fact of the matter was he knew nothing about anything outside of the wizarding world.

Perhaps that was why Remus decided they should move into muggle London for a year. He had not gone so far as to take away their wands (even he, having grown up as a muggle had grown somewhat dependant on his) but he urged Sirius, somewhat hypocritically, to live without magic. Needless to say, the transition went somewhat less than smoothly.

'Padfoot, darling,' Remus crooned, pressing himself up behind his boyfriend lovingly. 'What are you doing?' Sirius glanced over his shoulder, breaking the deep concentration he had on the kitchen appliance.

'Huh?' He drawled, arms securely crossed over his chest.

'Well, you're staring at the dishwasher.' Sirius continued to look at him as though staring at a dishwasher in the middle of the afternoon was the most normal thing in the world.

'I was making a telly dinner,' he said simply.

'So, you're waiting for a clean dish to put it on,' Remus supplied, not really understanding why his boyfriend was waiting patently for the dishwasher to finish its cycle. Sirius laughed and turned around to kiss him lightly, arms automatically going around the lycanthrope's neck.

'You're so cute,' he crooned, tucking a strand of blond hair behind the lycanthrope's ear. 'Everyone knows you cook telly dinners in the dishwasher.' Remus blanched and wondered just what exactly Sirius had put in the microwave thinking it was something else.

* * *

After that Sirius had been banned from the kitchen with the exception of retrieving food that did not involve any kind of preparation on Sirius' part. For a while they settled into a muggle lifestyle until Remus fell ill and Sirius had to take care of the laundry. Remus had woken from a feverish dream to feel Sirius ardently poking him in the side. Remus was startled at his boyfriend's pale and worried face.

'What's wrong?' His fever-scrambled mind automatically jumped to the worst conclusion. 'Oh, my God! Is it James and Lilly? Peter? Please, please don't tell me they're dea-,'

'How much of the laundry detergent should I have put into the washing machine?' Sirius asked quizzically, quirking an eyebrow at his boyfriend's worried expression.

'You're seriously asking me this? What about-,'

'Oh, they're fine. But, Moons, the laundry detergent?'

'Um, just a capful.' He frowned ,confused as to why Sirius was so worked up about the washing machine. 'Why?' Sirius glanced toward the open bedroom door where a river of foam was drifting toward the living room.

* * *

After this incident Remus allowed Sirius to use magic more often. But still Sirius continued to have trouble assimilating to a normal life, and surprisingly enough, Remus loved him all the more for it.

The most endearing moments of Sirius' cultural ignorance began one evening on a night out with James and Peter. After a fair few drinks between the four of them James began to cry – going on about how lonely he was without Lily.

'What? Did you drive her out of town already, Prongs,' Sirius laughed, feeling up a protesting Remus. James burst out into tears.

'Look what you him made do,' Remus stuttered, cocking his head in confusion after the words escaped his mouth.

'Had a few too many, eh Remus,' Peter poked. He had somehow landed a job in the ministry and because of that he kept his alcohol level under the scale of obliterated.

"No, I'm fine. Pads, get your hand off my thigh.' Sirius whispered something in his ear. 'Not in public and from the way you're going not even when we get home.' Sirius frowned and bit down on the lycanthrope's ear. Despite his previous protests Remus could not help but moan.

'Can you focus? I have a problem here!' James bemoaned, taking another sip from his beer.

'Right,' Sirius said, pulling himself away from his boyfriend's pleading lips.

'Hey' Remus groaned. Qualms about very public displays of very affectionate affection had slipped through the cracks of his intoxicated brain.

'I'm sorry, Mooney, my darling, but Jamsie here decided to become a girl and cry all over our boys night out." And Sirius was truly sorry. There was nothing he loved more than Remus smashed and aroused, except perhaps Remus not smashed and very aroused. But none the less it was an experience he was reluctant to refuse. Remus gave him as stern a look as he could muster and Sirius resisted the urge to apparate them back to their apartment.

'Sirius,' Remus pouted when the animagus promptly ignored him.

'Now, Prongs. What did you do to poor Lily this time?'

'The love potion you gave her finally wore off,' Peter joked, elbowing his friend for effect.

'So not appropriate, Peter,' Remus reprimanded.

'I was just-she-she,' James bemoaned. 'She went to visit her grandparents in Ireland,' he said quickly, bursting out into tears. Peter sprayed his friend with a swig if beer he had just taken and Remus exchanged a knowing look with Sirius before they began laughing.

'Knock it off! I'm bearing my soul here and you're having one on me!' James slammed his drink on the table and glared at his laughing friends.

'We're sorry,' Remus said between gasps.

'Are we?' Sirius asked, still choking as he tried to regain his breath.

'We are,' Remus said a bit more forcefully, reaching his hand beneath the table.

'We are!' Sirius agreed a moment later, his voice several octaves' higher. Remus searched for his wand, his lips hovering over the shell of his ear.

'Good boy.' James ignored their prattling and resigned himself to staring mournfully into his drink.

'Aww, gross you guys! Can you please not do that in public?' Remus smirked and exchanged a knowing look with his partner.

'What Peter doesn't know,' Sirius laughed.

'What does that mean?' Peter asked, panicking a bit.

'Oh, it's nothing, Wormy, absolutely nothi-,' Sirius began to say.

'We shagged in your bed at Hogwarts,' Remus interrupted calmly. The canine couple grinned at the expletives' streaming from Peter's mouth.

'How could she just leave me?' James wailed, annoyed that the attention had shifted to Peter .'I mean, she said she loved me, really loved me. Why would she just leave me?'

'Prongs, she's just visiting her little, old granny. No harm done, mate.'

'She doesn't love me anymore,' he gasped between sobs. Sirius hung in head in shame.

'I can't go out with you blokes anymore,' he muttered.

Hey, you said you'd take me out on our anniversary next month. Don't think you're getting off the hook,' Remus warned.

'Of course, Remmy-kins, I didn't mean you, never you!' Remus smiled smugly, too drunk to notice the juvenile endearment.

'How could she-,'

'Ok, James, we're taking you home. You're in no state to be alone and you're going to sob all over us if we stay here any longer.'

'Don't splinch yourselves apparating,' Peter warned.

'I know how to bloody apparate, Peter,' Sirius snapped.

'Just saying-,' Peter said with a shrug.

'Can you help Remus,' he pointed to his inebriated boyfriend who was unsuccessfully pulling on his jacket, unsure why the lapels were facing the back. 'I have to get James.'

'I'm fine. I just don't want to live any more,' James whimpered, stumbling to his feet.

'Ok, you bloody bird, up you go – Ugg, have you gained weight, Prongs? James who had slowed his weeping down to a series of sniffles burst out sobbing again. The Marauders stumbled out of their favorite pub in Oxford. Sirius had dubbed it his favorite after hearing about two muggle blokes who had discovered 'some doubly-helixo thingy.' Remus had just shaken his head and gone back to reading about the Human Genome Project.

'It was nice seeing you, Peter,' Remus said. 'We hardly get to see you anymore. I hope you get a little more slack from your boss soon.' Peter nodded nervously, itching his left upper arm. Sirius snickered and muttered something about Remus being a sentimental drunk before stooping to peck the lycanthrope on the cheek.

'I wouldn't count on it. You know the boss – real lyrant,' Peter said with a nervous laugh.

'Well, don't get too tangled up, Peter. We miss you, mate.' Peter smiled weakly.

'Right, I have to go.' Without saying good bye to his friends he apparated.

'Well, that was strange.' Remus mused, slumped against the back of the bar where Peter had left him.

'He always was an odd one,' Sirius said with a grunt, wrapping his arm around Remus' waist before apparting the three of them back to their apartment.

'Maybe he found himself a bunny,' Remus said after the familiar tingling of apparition had worn off and they were safely in their flat once more.

'I think Peter would inadvertently kill any pet he bought,' Sirius said, dropping a dozing James onto their couch, throwing a blanket over him for good measure. Remus laughed and pulled at his shoes..

'A Playboy Bunny, Sirius, not a bunny-bunny.'

'What's the difference,' he grumbled, helping Remus stumble into their room.

'Well, one has fur and the other is a human.' Remus pulled his shirt over his head, rethinking his statement. 'Perhaps I said that the wrong way. Anyways, you've really never heard of a Playboy Bunny?'

'Would we be having this conversation if I had?' Remus giggled, trying to pull off the animagus' shirt and kiss Sirius at the same time.

'Letchery, Sir, it provokes – Drinking that is, Sirius,' Remus explained. 'It provokes and unprovokes; it provokes the desire, but it takes away the performance.'

'Only you could correctly quote that 'Speare bloke while you're completely smashed. Now tell me about these Bunnies.' Sirius kicked off his own pants and started to work on Remus'.

'Well, their people – birds – who dress up as bunnies. It's a real turn on to Muggle men.' Sirius pushed his boyfriend down onto their bed.

'And what about you, Mooney, do you find it attractive?' Sirius said in his most seductive (slightly slurred) voice. Remus groaned under Sirius' ministrations.

'Course, what quasi bi-sexual bloke would I be if I didn't?' Sirius smirked and there was no more coherent talking that night.

* * *

As long as Remus' strict codes were adhered to there were no more acts of cultural dysfunction on Sirius' part. There were no instances of Sirius walking into the grocery store and demanding chocolate frogs from the frightened clerk, or Sirius wondering why wearing formal wearing robes (much resembling ugly muggle dresses) often resulted with being asked why he was dressing in drag. Remus began to wonder if Sirius was really as thick as he pretended or if he was making up his ignorance under some sort of mischievous pretense. Until one day….

Remus had problems with breaking rules. Not small rules like sneaking Firewisky at Hogwarts, teasing his boyfriend beneath the table when they were at dinner or say, being alive when the ministry so blatantly wanted his kind dead. But it was difficult for him to break larger rules like, oh say, magically encouraging a muggle employer to hire said lycanthrope.

This Remus did have a few problems with. But despite Sirius' pestering that Remus could be his house husband, Remus knew he needed a job to be a part of their relationship, even if it was only for his own mental sense of worth. So, Remus was content working at his muggle office job. Sirius thought it was a waste of his time and talent, not to mention his schooling.

So, one day Remus was so happy with his job and ludicrous boss, Michael, that he had completely forgotten about their romantic night in until he had apparated to their bedroom and begun to undress. Remus sore and hastily pulled up his pants to go purchase flowers or chocolate or Sirius' favorite raspberry scented (and flavored) lube to make amends for forgetting their date.

'Hold it right there,' a familiar voice shouted, slightly muffled. Remus turned and choked.

'Sirius, are you – dressed up as the Easter Bunny?' And so he was. A very red faced Sirius was standing in the doorway to their bedroom dress in a fluffy white bunny suit, pink felt ears and a muzzle of whiskers and a pink nose over the Black heir's face.

'Well?' He asked, turning around, showing Remus his ridiculous bunny tail. Remus did what any 20 year old would do – he laughed.

'What-why are you dressed in a rabbit costume,' he laughed, clutching his sides. By this point Sirius was miffed. He had done a thoughtful thing for Remus and in his own opinion the damn suit was broiling.

'I'm a Playboy Bunny,' he said petulantly and crossed his arms and began to tap his foot. This only resulted in Remus laughing harder. 'You said you found it attractive. Though for the life of me I don't know why.'

'Oh, Sirius,' Remus giggled, draping his arms about Sirius' neck.

'Don't touch me; I'm mad at you.' Remus licked the edge of his ear.

'But I do find it attractive, because you're in it. Anything to do with you is attractive. Damn it, Sirius, you could dress up as Dubledore and still look sexy.' He pulled off Sirius' frightening, plastic nose. 'But that isn't exactly how Playboy Bunnies dress. Here, I'll show you, he whispered pulling at Sirius' costume. The faux fur suit had to go, but the ears – well, the ears could stay.

Remus lunged at his boyfriend, pinning him to the bed before attacking his neck.

'God, Remus!' Sirius hissed, bending his neck to afford Remus more access. The lycanthrope ran his hands through the soft fuzz of the suit along the front zipper to the familiar bulge waiting for him there.

"Pads," he mumbled around the earlobe in his mouth, 'Are you wearing pants under here?' Sirius smirked and Remus swore loudly, fumbling for his wand in the half light of their bedroom. The Rabbit costume was vanished and Remus saw that, indeed, Sirius was not wearing pants. I couldn't help but sweep his hand over the rosy erection, his thumb gently rubbing the beading pre-come at the tip.

'Don't stop,' Sirius chanted his knuckles white from gripping the sheets. Under his encouragement, Remus gently kissed the inside of Sirius' thigh, drawing circles there with the tip of his tongue. He left bite marks and saliva as he drew down the hair sprinkled thigh. Sirius whimpered as Remus let go of his erection and leaned back on his haunches. With a devious smile the lycanthrope pulled his shirt over his head, exposing a lattice work of scars across his lithe abdomen. Sirius groaned as Remus tugged off his trousers and pants and once.

'Like what you see,' Remus teased, noting an observation rather than trying to comically seduce his lover.

'You know I do,' Sirius muttered wrapping his legs around Remus' hips. With years of Quiditch and Auror training, Sirius had Remus on his back before the lycanthrope could protest. Changing his previous attachment to them, Remus snatched Sirius' Rabbit ears and tossed them across the room in favor of running his hands through the silky black hair.

'Rem, what you do to me,' the animagus whimpered, sucking at the smaller man's lips. Remus' whimpered as he watched Sirius' hand disappear behind his erection to prepare himself. Biting his lower lip, Sirius grunted as he added a second finger. Remus was lost as he watched his lover finger-fuck himself. A greedy whimper from the lycanthrope broke his concentration and Sirius turned back to Remus' neglected erection, liberally applying lube to the straining cock.

'Stop being such a tease,' Remus groaned between clenched teeth.

'I'd never tease you,' Sirius promised, lowering himself, until Remus was full seated in the animagus' tight, wet heat.

'Move, Pads! Fu-,' a cry tore from this throat as Sirius began to ride him in earnest. Remus was hardly able to keep pressure on Sirius' cock as he arched up against the onslaught. The two men were too close to hold out for long, and in was only several thrusts later that Remus was coming deep inside Sirius' arse, the animagus finished just a few gasping breaths after, collapsing on his lover panting.

'So, what do you think? And I an adequate bunny?' Sirius asked when their breath had returned. Remus chuckled.

'Sirius, you'd give any bird a run for her money.'

'Good. And, Mooney?'

'Hmm?' Remus asked sleepily, nuzzling Sirius' bare chest.

'You put cloths in the oven to make the wrinkles fall out, right?' Remus groaned as the smoke detector went off.

* * *

Thank you for reading! Please review! I hope all of you had a chance to see the new film and enjoyed it!


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